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mafia_series

[fic] Punch-Drunk Melody

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Aug. 1st, 2006 | 02:18 am
Feeling : tiredtired
posted by: youkofujima in mafia_series

Apparently, hime1999 and others like it when I write retarded things. Really, REALLY retarded things. I mean truckfuls of JoJo-retardedness retarded stuff.

So, I went ahead and devoted three hours of my life into a six-page fic. Oh yes. Italian food, JoJo, and IRC-chat references abound...but if you don't ora, you probably won't catch them anyway.

Oh, and warnings for some unsafe language/vulgar talk. Also, fic takes place after "Sheer Heart Attack," but you don't need to read that to get this one.



At first, the twins thought that Winry had either suddenly gotten a lot of admirers in the neighbourhood, or there was a funeral going on somewhere for someone that they didn’t know about. Flowers and cards lined every manageable surface of their dining room table, and Alphonse was slightly irritated by the fact that he would probably have to either eat standing (which gave him indigestion) or to skip breakfast altogether.

When Winry’s blonde head popped up somewhere amongst the pile of flowers, Alphonse knew that it would probably be the latter, by the way she held a particular card between her fingers. Without saying much, she poked it at the brothers’ chests, like she was tagging them in a game, and they’d just both lost.

“A new job,” she said when she plopped the card into Alfons’ curious outstretched hand. “It’s an internal thing, though. Some operative is willing to pay us a hefty amount if we kill his boss.”

“Must be something having to do with bad pay, then,” Alphonse said as he craned his neck over to glance at the reference photo sent with the card. “Because I’m pretty sure that an operative is not powerful enough on his own to petition for his boss’ death?”

Winry shrugged and shook her head, since in cases like these, they can really only assume. “I’m guessing it’s the assassins team in the organization,” she answered. “Supposedly all they really get for all their hard work is some meager appreciation from their boss.”

Alfons wrinkled his brow at the photo in his hand and he held it up to the light and noticed that, indeed, the reference photo had been taken off from a dartboard.

“Why don’t they kill him themselves, if they’re assassins?” Alfons asked. “Obviously, they hate him enough.”

Once again, Winry shook her head, almost as though she were sympathetic to the poor group of criminals.

“As much as they’re angry, they’re also very afraid,” she answered. “No one in the organization can get close enough to their boss, since he memorizes everyone’s face and voice, so disguises are moot. One time, two members of the team tried to expose and kill the boss, only to have one of them choked and the other cut up into sections that got dipped into formaldehyde and framed like a painting.”

Both boys shuddered, and Alfons fanned himself with the photo in his hand.

“So I’m guessing this is where we come in,” Alfons finished. He handed the photo to Alphonse, since he’d already memorized the face. “But the problem is, we already made a huge ruckus two months ago with our ‘hit’ on Don Trussardi. Apparently, we’re still getting flowers for it.” He glanced at the table filled with flowers all signed with Don Carne’s thick signature on the cards. “Sending us out would be suicide.”

From behind the large stack of flowers, Winry pulled out a neon-blue wig and plopped it on top of Alfon’s head, adjusting it until it fit. Then she stood back and looked appraisingly at him, then at Alphonse.

“For this hit, I’m going to send the two of you in separately,” Winry instructed. “Alfons will get close to the don and distract him. If you are alone and you have a chance, take it and go in for the kill. I’m going to have Alphonse be your lookout, and if you’re surrounded by guards, don’t take the chance. Wait until you get him alone.” She handed Alphonse his handgun and silencer, while for Alfons, she handed him a pair of shoes that had blades inside the soles. Giving him a gun would be a death warrant during frisks.

****
As informed, getting this organization’s boss, Don Marritozi, alone proved to be quite a feat. Getting him to let his guard down would probably be even more of a challenge, and took more planning than the usual “go in, shoot, get out” routine that the twins were used to. Alfons had to go to Don Marritozi’s favourite bar, Bar Passione, and get hired as an employee for two weeks as to not make his appearance seem “too sudden.” Since the owner of the bar, Leone, knew Winry, he made sure that whenever Don Marritozi was in, Alfons would be the one serving. During those days, Alphonse kept his cover low and either sat in the bar or held stakeouts on the rooftops surrounding the bar. But Don Marritozi’s defenses in terms of bodyguards proved to be near impenetrable, which never allowed Alphonse to actually get a clear shot.

It wasn’t until about nearly a month and a week into their mission that they got their chance. Don Marritozi had just celebrated his daughter Vaniglia’s birthday, and had wanted to take some time off from the teenage girls’ partying but still be able to drink. And, since a lot of attention was focused on Vaniglia’s party as well as her guests, Don Marritozi decided to delegate all of his guards to the party and drive to Bar Passione alone. When he entered, Leone immediately had Alfons go and serve Don Marritozi his favourite beer.

“Not the usual, Ghirga,” he said to Alfons, referring to him by the false name Alfons took. “I want some Greco di Tufo.” By the way he smelled, he was already rather drunk and giddy. All the more reason why he decided that it was a good idea to come here, to a place he was so regularly seen, alone. Marritozi then also ordered some oven-baked porcini to go with the white wine, which Leone went to the back room to get supplies for to cook on the small stove at the bar. While he was back there, he tapped Alphonse on the shoulder and made a hand-motion to tell him that the package was in the bar. Nodding, Alphonse sidled to the edge of the supply room’s door, enough to hear everything that was going on, but not be seen.

When Leone was done with the order of baked porcini, Alfons went to Marritozi to deliver the order. But as he set the dish down, the mafia boss pulled the boy down next to him with a hearty grin, as though they’ve been friends for ages.

“Ghirga, goo’ o’you to join me!” he bellowed, breathing out a huge puff of wine-stench. He hooked his arm around Alfons’ shoulder, and for a minute Alfons thought that his blue wig was going to be disrupted. “Drink w’me!” the man shouted.

Immediately, Alfons flashed Leone a look, which Leone returned with a troubled nod. It was not a good idea to refuse the hospitality of a mafia boss, especially not one who framed cut-up sections of his underlings. With a small, nervous chuckle that wasn’t exactly completely fake, Alfons poured himself a sip, only to have Marritozi pour more into his glass. Another dry chuckle, and Alfons downed the contents in one big gulp, hoping that the alcohol was not too strong. He failed to see the somewhat shocked and worried expression from Leone behind the bar.

After two bottles of wine later, both Marritozi and Alfons were terrible heaps of giggles, and Alphonse wondered if he should just shoot the man on the spot. But with Leone there as a witness, it would be risky and put Leone’s life in danger.

“So’s I keep tellin’ Vani,” Marritozi slurred, “Tha’ if she gonna be goin’ out wit ‘er boyfriend, then she’d better not sleep wit ‘im, cuz he’s as stiff as a zombie!” That alone elicited a roaring laugh from Alfons, who looked indeed very strange now with neon blue hair and a red face.

“But what if he’s doing her,” Alfons giggled, “and his fingers come OFF in her hoo-ha!?”

Leone and Alphonse both grimaced at the grotesque image, but Marritozi laughed so hard he was coughing.

“He’d hafta get it out with tweezers, then!” Marritozi cackled.

“They wouldn’t fit!” Alfons protested. “He’ll have to use pliers or something!”

“Hey, my daughter’s hoo-ha is a confined space,” Marritozi said, sounding as offended as a delusional drunk can be. “We’ll have to use a wrench!”

More laughter. It was a good thing they were so loud, since that did a good job of covering up Alphonse’s groans of disgust.

“Well, at least then you won’t have to worry about your daughter losing her virginity,” Alfons laughed. “Cuz then her boyfriend would be scared that her vagina BIT HIS FINGERS OFF!”

“FEAR IS A MIND-KILLER, GHIRGA!” Marritozi guffawed, seemingly thinking that this was now a shout-laughter contest.

“Hopefully,” Alfons snickered, “his fingers won’t mutate inside her and become another girlbit.”

“Well, how are we supposed ta know how girlbits work anyways?! Maybe if she grew another one, we can extract it and then really see how they function!” Marritozi replied. At this point, Leone was shaking his head and wishing for a stiff drink for himself, while Alphonse muttered “I hear nothing” under his breath.

“But see,” Marritozi said, suddenly getting quiet. “I kinda wish that I had a son instead of a daughter, Ghirga. Cuz then I don’t hafta worry all day ‘bout whether or not her behymen’s safe, yanno?”

“Yeah, I hear you,” Alfons agreed. “See, I have a sister, and all day I worry about whether or not if some guy’s going to skank her body up!”

Oh, please don’t go there, Alphonse prayed.

“I really wish that I had a son like you, Ghirga,” Marritozi muttered, nursing his drink. He poured Alfons another glass, which the boy downed without a second thought.

“M’not Ghirga,” Alfons slurred.

“What?” Marritozi sounded confused. Warning lights started going off in Alphonse’s head.

“Name’s Alfons,” the boy pulled the neon-blue wig just for good measure, and at the sight of his blond hair and blue eyes, Marritozi became half-sober.

“I’ve seen you before, you were coming out of Don Trussar…”

Before he could finish his sentence, however, Alphonse leapt over the bar counter, rushed over to Marritozi and snapped his neck in one fluid motion. The man’s body fell to the floor with a dull thud, his chin now pointing at an awkward angle. Angrily, Alphonse dragged a semi-protesting Alfons towards the supply room door that would lead to the back alley where their car was parked. But before they went, he pulled out his gun and pointed it at Leone, who gasped.

“Sorry,” Alphonse apologized with a small shake of his head. “Say you were attacked or something.” With that, he shot Leone twice, once on his upper arm, and then two inches above his ankle. Then he lugged his drunken package out.

With a huge grunt that had a curse-word mingled inside, Alphonse heaved Alfons into the backseat of their car and gave his brother a few light slaps on the cheek to try and sober him up. Alfons looked up at Alphonse with an irritated look.

“What did you do that for!” Alfons objected. His eyes weren’t as clouded as they were five seconds ago, and his voice cleared up a bit as well. Maybe he wasn’t as drunk as Alphonse thought.

“How much is sixteen times fifty-five?” Alphonse asked. If completely sober, Alfons would be able to solve it without so much as batting an eye.

“Twenty-eight,” Alfons answered matter-of-factly. He really was that drunk. Frustrated, Alphonse shoved Alfons’ long legs into the car since they had been dangling out, and slammed the backseat door. He figured that to make things seem realistic, Leone would have already called someone for help, and so he’d better make a speedy getaway.

Driving a drunk person, however, made the whole “speedy, stealthy” part of a clean getaway hard.

“Alphonse, let’s go get some hair dye~” Alfons whined from the backseat on the way through the getaway route. They couldn’t afford to drive straight home.

“Why in the world would you want to do that?!” Alphonse shouted. He was already hearing sirens.

“Cuz I figured that I like the blue hair, you know?” Alfons reasoned. “I should dye my hair to match my eyes!”

“That is ridiculous, we are not—ALL RIGHT FINE WE WILL STOP AT THE PHARMACY AND GET YOUR BLUE HAIR DYE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET DOWN AND STOP MOONING THE CAR IN THE BACK YOU’LL ATTRACT COPS!”

After circling around the neighbourhood several times to avoid trailers and cops and to find a pharmacy that was still open at two in the morning, the twins finally arrived at home. Alphonse was exhausted, and Alfons was just a bit groggy. Sighing, Alphonse extracted Alfons from the backseat and helped him back to his room, hoping that his brother won’t decide to vomit on him on the way. They got back to the room, vomit-free, and Alphonse began to work on removing Alfons’ shoes as soon as he got him on the bed.

“Sorry I messed up…” Alfons muttered.

“Happens to everyone,” Alphonse answered. “Just that we usually don’t drink on the job.”

“I actually wanted to dye my hair so that we’re not conspicuous,” Alfons said suddenly. “If we didn’t look almost exactly alike, maybe we can go on more separate missions or something…”

Having removed his shoes, Alphonse stood up and sighed at Alfons’ drunken reasoning.

“You’re talking drunk,” he said. Then he leaned down and brushed his lips against Alfons’, which educed a giggle. His lips tasted like wine.

“I need to piss like a racehorse,” Alfons said.

“You do that,” Alphonse answered flatly. However, he still helped Alfons as far as the bathroom before he went back to his own room to crash for the night.

The next morning, Alphonse awoke to find a rather hung over Alfons standing over his bed with a pained and confused look on his face.

“Al,” he said. “Why are my pubes blue?”

END!

Link | Shoot |

Comments {17}

Jen | NB

(no subject)

from: noob_alchemist
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 06:56 am (UTC)
Link

oh, god, the ending is just too funny!!!
& I love how swift Alphonse was when Alfons blew his cover, it was like, "whoa, didn't expect Don Marritozi to go down like that! " I love this! <3

Bollocks! | Thread

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 05:55 pm (UTC)
Link

Originally I had thought about ending it right when Alfons started mooning the cars behind them, but I figured I should let the hair dye be used. *laughs*

Don Marritozi, death by getting neck snapped for being an idiot.^^; I'm no good with action scenes, and it had to be swift, since it's a hit, not a torture-execution.^^;;;;

Thank you for liking it.^^/

Bollocks! | Previous hit | Thread

グイネーダ

(no subject)

from: gwyneda
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 07:20 am (UTC)
Link

..........*puddle of insane giggles*

Oh God, the crack...

THE CRACK OWNS YOU AND IT'S A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL THING.

lmfao *ded of laff*

You rock XD

Bollocks! | Thread

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
Link

*laughs* Thanks for liking it.

Now, does the crack own me, or do I own the crack? The world may never know...

Thank you again.^^

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xeviscerax

(no subject)

from: xeviscerax
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC)
Link

The ending killed me dead. And the drunken conversation had me halfway there, already.

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腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
Link

Thanks. X33 The drunken conversation was courtesy of my IRC channel.

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(Deleted comment)

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
Link

*laughs* XD Thanks XD I'm glad you liked it...or that it raped your innocence away. Or something. XD I guess I've still got it.

He dyed his pubes blue in a drunken stupor. XD; "Shambala, here I cooooommmeee~~ow, that stings."

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(Deleted comment)

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 3rd, 2006 01:29 am (UTC)
Link

It's the pubic hair. Thus the term "pubes."^^/

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havocmangawip

(no subject)

from: havocmangawip
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
Link

I love these Mafia AU settings... the hits are so funny, and blue? NICE!!

Bollocks! | Thread

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 3rd, 2006 02:04 am (UTC)
Link

Thanks XD Glad you liked this one.

Bollocks! | Previous hit | Thread

The Coloring Generator

(no subject)

from: azysapphy
date: Aug. 1st, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Link

*keels over, wheezing*

Bollocks! | Thread

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 3rd, 2006 02:05 am (UTC)
Link

O_O;; um...

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Neurotically  Yours,

(no subject)

from: ceirwy
date: Aug. 2nd, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
Link

*falls to the floor laughing and pointing*

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腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 8th, 2006 04:40 am (UTC)
Link

Glad you liked it XD

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ankoku_tenshi

(no subject)

from: ankoku_tenshi
date: Aug. 2nd, 2006 12:41 am (UTC)
Link

Hey, I'm going to tell you as secret.

...The community likes it when you write crack too! ^^ Wonderful work!

Bollocks! | Thread

腹蛇

(no subject)

from: youkofujima
date: Aug. 8th, 2006 04:41 am (UTC)
Link

Thank you.^^ Glad you liked it^^/ (cuz I hardly write and really don't like to O_O;, if that's a secret...)

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Wiccat

(no subject)

from: wiccat
date: Aug. 15th, 2006 07:05 am (UTC)
Link

LMAO!! Blue pubes <33333 Man, I love drunkness

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